Mike is the Devil
by princey
Summary: This is basically a parody of all the bad outsiders fanfiction plots I can think of. It has three flavors of Mary Sue, OOCness, cliches, pony getting raped by socs and stupid slash pairings. It mainly centers around Dally, he's the only sane one.
1. Dally is confused, we meet Mike

A/N: This story isn't a parody of The Outsiders and so any humor in the story is purely my own creation and is not meant to mock…unless, of course, I'm discussing the Mary Sue (Mike), in which case I'm mocking as much as possible. Nothing she does or says should be taken seriously. I won't include her too much but I just couldn't help parodying the insanity that causes people to create those new girls in town who manage to be tough and tuff and capture the hearts of everyone on the east side. Also, have you noticed how they all seem to have boy's names? 

************************************************************************

It was a Saturday afternoon and Dallas Winston was just waking up. "Morning already?" he mumbled. He noticed that he was lying on a floor and wondered why. 'Where am I,' he wondered. He looked around and found that he was at the Curtis' house.

Just then Ponyboy and Sodapop walked in, "Mornin' Dally," said Sodapop, brightly. 

"Yeah, morning," said Ponyboy, sarcastically, as it was afternoon.

Dally thought about asking what he was doing on their floor, asleep, in the middle of the afternoon but he decided that it would be better to pretend that he knew what was going on. He brushed a tuft of pale, blonde hair away from his eye and said, "So, what's for breakfast?"

"Well, actually," began Soda, "I was just making lunch."

"All right, what's for lunch?" Dally amended.

"Sandwiches."

"My favorite."

They began eating sandwiches and staring into space until Ponyboy said, "Oh yeah, there's supposed to be a new girl at school tomorrow."

"Where's she from?" asked Soda.

"Ah…I think the teacher said Seattle."

"Hah, Seattle," Dally laughed bitterly.

"Why do you sound so bitter about Seattle?" Soda asked.

"No reason," said Dally, concentrating on his sandwich. 

"Oh, Johnny's here," said Ponyboy as Johnny walked in. "Hey Johnny!"

"Hey," said Johnny, quietly and jumpily. 

"We're going to the park," said Ponyboy and the two of them left.

"Yeah I've got to get going too," said Dally. He got up and wandered out of the house. As soon as he got outside he felt extremely bored. 'Oh man, I'm so bored,' he thought. Then, 'I know! I'll go with Ponyboy and Johnny.' He ran after the teenagers, yelling, "Hey wait up!"

Ponyboy and Johnny paused long enough for Dally to catch up and the three of them walked the rest of the way to the park.

When they got to the park they noticed a girl fighting with some random people they had never seen before. She easily fought off the five people and they ran away. The strange girl turned to the three greasers, tucking her three switchblades into her pocket and said, "Hey, you lookin' for a fight?"

"You must be the new girl," said Dally, disapprovingly.

"Yeah, my name's Mike."

"Mike?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah."


	2. No help for Mike

"Ok…" said Dally. 

Just then Sodapop walked over and said, "Hi guys," then, noticing Mike, said, "Oh. Who's this?"

"I'm Mike," said Mike.

"Your parent's name you that?"

"No."

"They care that you're fighting five strangers in a park?" asked Ponyboy.

"They wouldn't know," she answered.

"Where do you live?" Dally asked, suspiciously.

"I don't know if I should answer that, you look like you might hunt me down and kill me later."

"I bet your parents aren't even with you," Dally supplied.

"You're right. I left Seattle because my parents wanted to send me to boarding school in Switzerland, for being such a rebel. Also, they're abusive. My whole life has been an endless string of tragedy but I still manage to have a heart of gold beneath this rough, yet stunningly beautiful exterior."

Dally looked at the bizarre person with the cowboy hat and boots and wondered why, despite her earlier reticence, she had decided to tell them practically her whole life story. He also wondered why she was wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots but that was less important. "So how do you plan on surviving here with no home and no one to take care of you?" 

"I don't need your help."

"I wasn't offering."

"Oh." Mike looked vaguely confused. She quickly recovered, tossed her honey colored hair over her shoulder and said, "So, Ponyboy, you're probably going to offer to let me live with you, Soda and Darry but I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Actually no, I wasn't" Pony answered.

She looked confused again and turned to Johnny, "Johnny?" she asked.

"No," he said.

"I have a question," said Soda, "How did you know all of our names?"

"No reason," she replied and ran away.

"That was very strange," said Dally.

"Yeah, what was with that outfit?" asked Soda.

"I guess she thought she'd find some cowboys around here," Dally laughed.


	3. sunrise, breakfast and Dally's encounter...

That Monday Ponyboy woke up feeling morningy. "Wow, what a great morning," he said, stretching. 

"Yeah, hey look at the sunrise," said Soda, also waking up.

"It's nice but it's no sunset," Pony replied.

"Ok," said Soda. 

The brothers went downstairs to find that Darry had already made breakfast. They ate the eggs and chocolate cake and drank the chocolate milk in silence until Dally walked in. 

"Hey," he said, pulling up a chair, "So I ran into Mike last night…"

"Mike?" asked Darry.

"Yeah," said Ponyboy, "She's this weird girl we met on Saturday, from Seattle."

"Oh, _Seattle,_" said Darry, "Dally, I'm sure you're glad to hear_ that_."

"Seriously!" cried Soda, "What is it with you and Seattle, Dally?"

"I can't say."

"Why don't you tell us what you were going to about Mike," said Ponyboy, trying to make peace.

"Well," he began, "I was walking to the store and all of a sudden she collapsed in front of me in the middle of the road. I said, 'What are you doing lying in the middle of the road like that? You'll get yourself killed!' she told me to mind my own business so I said that I wouldn't care if she died and walked away."

"Then what happened?" asked Tim Shepherd, who had been mysteriously standing in the corner the whole time.

"Gaa!" said Ponyboy, "What are you doing here, Tim?"

"Nothing," he replied, "Tell us the rest of the story Dally."

"All right, well, I was walking away, right, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere she jumped on my back and knocked me down."

"She's crazy," Soda murmured.

"Yeah," Dally agreed, "But that's not the craziest part, when she knocked me down she started kissing me a lot and said, 'Come on, Dally, can't you feel the sexual tension between us?' and I said, 'No! I've known you about ten minutes and all I've felt towards you is indifference and mild annoyance.' After that she got off and went away and you can't imagine how happy that made me."

"Wow," said Tim, "It figures that she's from Seattle."

Tim and Dally both shuddered.

"I'm going insane!" said Soda, "Why won't you tell me about Seattle?"

"When you're older," said Tim mysteriously.


	4. absurd slash, we meet kaiytieralyn

After the discussion with Dally, Ponyboy left for school. As he was walking he ran into Johnny and they walked to school together. Pony told Johnny Dally's horrifying tale of Mike's attack and Johnny seemed rather disturbed, "I hope she doesn't come near us at school," he said.

"Yeah, so do I Johnny, so do I." Ponyboy shuddered. 

Just then Dally and Tim Shepard (sorry about the spelling inconsistencies with Tim's last name, I'm too lazy to go downstairs to get the book and check how it's spelled) came running out from behind a barn. "Hey guys," said Dally, his hand in Tim's back pocket.

"Umm…Dally…" began Ponyboy, "Why is your hand in Tim's back pocket?"

"Jealous?" asked Tim.

"No…" Ponyboy thought for a moment and then, looking bewildered, said, "I'm in love with…Johnny?'

Dally pulled his hand out of Tim's pocket and said, "No, I'm in love with Johnny!"

Tim said, "But, Dally! I thought you loved me!"

Johnny said, "Sorry Pone, I'm in love with Dally…or am I?"

Just then Sodapop and Steve walked over and started making out on the hood of some random car. Then Two-Bit and Darry walked over, "Oh, Two-Bit," said Darry, "You're the first person to see through my hard, cold exterior and love me for the person I am on the inside!"

Two-Bit and Darry started making out as well, in a manly way. 

All of a sudden Dally jumped back from the three way he was engaged in with Johnny and Tim and said, "Wait?! What are we doing? This is just absurd!"

"Why?" asked Soda.

"Because, what are the odds that everyone in our gang just happens to be gay and in love with another member of the gang?"

"Not very good," admitted Steve.

"Exactly. So, let's just go our separate ways and pretend none of this ever happened." 

The greaser all walked off in separate directions, except for Johnny and Ponyboy who had to go to school.

* * *

Later, at school, in the cafeteria, Ponyboy noticed Mike standing around with another girl. "Oh God! Hide, Johnny, hide!" he yelled, jumping under the table and pulling Johnny with him.

"What is it?" asked Johnny.

"It's Mike and she's with a friend."

Johnny peered over the table, "Her friend's a soc?"

"I guess…wow, she has the shiniest hair in the world!"

"Shut up! She'll get you with her hair and next thing you know, you'll be in love!"

"Ok, ok. Jeez…"

"Oh no! I think she sees us. She's walking over here!"

Sure enough, Mike was making a beeline for their table, "Hey guys," she said when she reached them, "How's it going?"

"Fine," said Johnny guardedly, climbing out from under the table.

"Good, hey look, I brought my friend."

"What your name?" Pony asked the girl with the absurdly shiny, black—or should I say 'raven colored'—hair. 

"My name's Kaiytieralyn Lotsofcash," she answered dreamily.

"I see."

Just then Dally walked up and began staring murderously at the girls.

"What are you doing here, Dally?" asked Johnny, looking at Dally with a loving expression in his eyes, for some reason.

"I came to rescue you."

"Oh," Kaiytieralyn whispered, "Dally, I'm your long lost sister."

"That's absurd," he answered.

"No it isn't, I'm your twin and I was adopted by some socs but they were too phony so I came looking for my real family here in Tulsa."

"That's fantastic," said Dally, obviously thinking just the opposite, "But I'm afraid you won't like my parents very much either…not that I care, I mean, you can live with them all you want just don't start acting like I'm your brother all of a sudden."

"But you are my brother."

"Doesn't mean I have to love you…or even feel any emotions toward you, for that matter."

"Oh!" she ran off, sobbing.

"Now look what you've done!" said Mike, chasing after Kaiytieralyn.


	5. erik and his bag of plot devices

A/N: this chapter is dedicated to Killslay, who told me to add a Mary Sue from the future (Actually, mine's more of a Gary Stu). That's such a great idea. 

Later that day, after school, the greasers were sitting around watching cartoons when someone burst in through the TV.

"Glory!" cried Two-Bit.

"Who are you and how did you get through the TV?" asked Darry.

"Dude!" said the guy with the purple hair, "Who are you guys?"

The greasers told the purple haired person their names and he told them that his name was Erik. "My name's Erik," he said. Then he said, "Oh God! What am I doing here? I was just sitting at home watching _The Outsiders_ (the movie) while playing with my X-box, listening to my mp3 player, drinking Red Bull, reading manga and talking to my friend Jayd on my practically microscopic cell phone when all of a sudden I was sucked into the TV and ended up here!"

"I have know idea what you're talking about," said Darry. 

"I think he's trying to tell us that he's from the future," said Dally, who was beginning to have a firm grasp on the bizarre things that were happening. 

"I think you're right!" said Tim, who for some reason had been spending an absurd amount of time with the greasers lately. Then he said to the purple haired stranger from the future, "What's with your hair?"

"I dyed it."

"Ok…why?"

"Because, I'm, like, a punk."

"A punk?" one of them asked.

"Yeah…you know, we listen to music like Blink 182 and Sum 41." (A/N: that sentence made me want to die…stupid, fake punks with their Blink 182 and their Sum 41 and their Good Charlotte and their general fakeness). 

"Well," said Dally, wisely thinking that this…Erik person…wasn't really a 'punk,' "I think maybe you should leave…you see, I don't like you."

"Why not?" asked Erik.

"I just don't."

"Wait!" Erik cried, "I just realized! You guys are the Outsiders!"

"It took you that long to figure it out?" asked Sodapop, "After we told you our names? Jesus Christ, I don't even know what's going on and I figured it out faster that you did!"

"Yeah…well, I'm not leaving!" Erik cried.

"Oh…we'll see," said Tim, flipping out his switchblade.

Erik began to think quickly. He reached into his backpack, which just happened to be filled with plot devices and pulled out a flashlight. He switched it on and shined it in their eyes. "HaHA!" he yelled, "I'll blind you with this light of the future!" 

"Oh _come _on," said Steve, "That's a flashlight."

"Yeah," said Ponyboy, "They were invented such a long time ago."

"Oh…I see," said Erik and then made a run for it.


	6. Tim crys, socs, more erik not in that or...

A/N: Yesterday I discovered that S.E. Hinton was only 16 when she wrote the Outsiders, that's so awesome…it kind of makes me feel like a slacker though.

"Someone go after him!" yelled Darry.

"Why?" asked Ponyboy.

"Because we need him to live with us."

"That's stupid," said Soda, "Why do we need him to live with us?"

"I have no idea," Darry replied, "But for some reason I just feel like he needs to live here."

"He's right," Dally said.

"But you said yourself that you didn't like him!" Soda felt extremely confused.

"I know, I know but sometimes you have to make sacrifices and now is one of those time."

"Sacrifices for what?"

"Who knows?"

After this delightful conversation it was decided that Ponyboy should chase down Erik, since he was so fast and they had already wasted a considerable amount of time discussing things. 

When Pony caught up to Erik he said, "Hey, Erik, wait for me!" 

"Why?" asked Erik.

"Because…we want you to come back."

"So, you guys finally decided that you can't live without me."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Come on." They went back to the house and saw that no one was home.

"Looks like they ditched you!" said Erik, mockingly.

"Will you _shut up_?" asked Ponyboy as he walked over to the table. On the table, he noticed a note that said:

__

Pony,

We've gone to the park. Meet us there.

"We've got to go to the park," Ponyboy announced.

"They left you a _note_?" asked Erik, "Why didn't they just call you on your cell phone?"

"You're such a moron. You should be able to figure out that those haven't been invented yet."

"Whatever." 

When Ponyboy and Erik met up with the other guys at the park Two-Bit just finishing up telling the story of how he attacked a mailman once.

"….And he never delivered mail to our house again."

"Great story Two-Bit," said Dally.

Just then a random soc—we'll call him Ned—walked over, surrounded by five other socs, and punched Steve.

"What the hell?" asked Steve as he hit Ned viciously.

"Wait!" cried Erik, "I'll take them! I'm a Jedi master!"

"Jedi master?" asked a soc.

"Yeah…come on, _Star Wars!_ You know, it's a movie…" said Erik.

"You're such a moron," Ponyboy pointed out, "We've all ready established what year this is and so if you know so much about your precious Star Wars, you should know that it hasn't come out yet."

"I agree with the greaser" said Ned, "That kid is a moron."

"Wow!" said Ponyboy, getting a dreamy look on his face, "You agree with me? This means we could all look past our differences and unite!"

"Yeah right!" said Ned as he punched Pony's lights out.

Tim ran over and flipped out his switchblade. "Don't you dare mess with my favorite greaser!"

"I thought I was your favorite greaser!" cried Dally.

"You are, I was just kidding," said Tim.

Sensing another bizarre slash sequence, Dally quickly ran away.

Tim, thinking he had offended Dally, ran after him. When he reached Dally, in an alley somewhere, he said, "Dally I didn't mean anything by it."

"I don't care about that."

"Then why'd you run away?"

"I don't wanna say."

"Fine." Reverting back to their tough, greaser appearance, Dally and Tim sat for several minutes in silence. Then Tim broke the silence by saying, "I'm really sorry Dally," and then, to Dally's extreme horror, he burst into tears.

"Tim!" Dally exclaimed, "What the _hell _are you doing?"

"I know, I know, greasers aren't supposed to cry…it's just…I have so many feelings pent up inside and I don't know what to do!"

"Well, sweet Jesus! Don't go crying when I'm around! You've got a sister why can't you tell her all your problems? Or be a man and cry alone in your room when nobody's home and you're absolutely positive no one will _ever_ find out."

"Don't you see…"

"See what?"

"I don't know," Tim dried his tears, "I can't think of anything to finish that thought, weird huh?"

"Ah…yeah, I guess." Dally was feeling relieved to have his friend back to normal, "Well why don't we go get ice cream?" 

"Ok." And with that they were off to some place where ice cream is sold.


	7. ice cream

Tim and Dally sat in the ice cream store eating ice cream and awkwardly not speaking or making eye contact. At one point Tim said, "So…" and, getting no response, trailed off without finishing the thought. 

After about twenty-six minutes of the mind numbing boredom Dally saw a familiar face, actually two familiar faces. "Hi Dally, Tim," said Kaiytieralyn. 

"Oh man," said Dally, "Why don't you go away?"

"We don't wanna," said Mike, who was also there. 

"Hey, I have a question," Tim began, "How come you guys are friends?"

"What do you mean?" Mike asked.

"Well, you're a greaser and Kaiytieralyn's a soc. How did you become friends?"

"We met in Seattle," she said, as if that explained it.

"You're from Seattle?" Dally asked Kaiytieralyn.

"Yes," she replied.

"Argh, nothing good could ever come out of Seattle!"

"Yes," Tim agreed.

Sodapop, who happened to be standing there, said, "Come on! Please tell me!"

But they wouldn't and so he said, "Oh man," and walked away.

After Soda had gone, Dally said, "All right, I want you two girls to leave right now before I get Tim here to whip out his switchblade. And leave us alone from now on because I'm gonna start carrying a heater."

"I could take you," said Mike, standing with one hand on her hip.

Tim, as promised, whipped out his switchblade and said, "People should start calling me Flippy, I'm flipping this thing out so often!"

He got a few weird looks. 

"Anyway…" said Dally, "Bye girls."

"Bye," they said sullenly as they walked towards the door.

"I'm so glad they're gone," said Dally, before they were out of earshot.

"Hey, I heard that," said Mike.

"I should think so, I said it when you were very close by."

Mike, for once couldn't seem to think of a snappy comeback, not that her comebacks were every very snappy, so they left.


	8. mike saves a puppy, kaiytieralyn moves i...

Later that day Soda was sitting in his room, gazing in the mirror. "I'm gorgeous!" he said. After a few minutes he heard some pitiful whimpering coming from out on the street. He managed to tear himself away from the mirror long enough to look out the window to see what was going on. He was surprised to see a small, wounded puppy sitting in the road. "Aww," he said, "It's a puppy and it's wounded." He decided that he would go out and try to help it.

When he stepped outside the house he was surprised to see that someone had gotten to the puppy all ready. "Mike, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not doing anything!" she gasped, stepping forward as if to hide the puppy by standing in front of it.

"Yes you are, you're saving that puppy!" 

"No I'm not!" she was becoming rather defensive.

"Well, don't get all worked up. I don't really care."

"Well, you better not tell anyone! I don't wanna ruin my reputation."

"What reputation?" Sodapop was becoming increasingly bored of the conversation.

"Well, incase you haven't noticed, I'm known for being pretty tough."

"I think you're known for being pretty annoying."

"You wanna fight? I can take you so easy it wouldn't even be funny!"

"When you say that it sounds so dirty," this comment was delivered with a complete deadpan. If you were there I'm sure you would've laughed.

Mike didn't laugh, "Come on," she said, "Take your best shot!"

Soda really, really wanted to but he knew that that would just make her too happy so instead he said, "I don't hit girls."

As he predicted, this made her furious, "I'm tougher than any of you greasers!" she cried.

Just then Dally walked over, "Hey Soda," he said, "Can I crash here tonight?"

"Yeah," said Soda.

Dally looked at Mike. "What's going on, what's she doing here?"

"Oh, she was just saving that wounded puppy."

"No kidding? That's _fan_tastic."

"_Soda_ you said you wouldn't tell anyone!"

"No. I distinctly remember _not _saying that."

Just when it looked like Mike was about to go away, Kaiytieralyn walked over. "Hi guys," she said, "What's happening?"

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" asked Dally, "Maybe a social event somewhere?"

"Silly," she replied, "I moved into your house, I just know we're going to get along perfectly!"

Dally paled significantly. This was quite remarkable, as he was already very pale, "What?" he finally managed to ask. 

"Remember, I'm your twin sister."

"I remember…oh God, I tried so hard to forget!"

Sodapop also looked rather pale. It was obvious that he felt sorry for Dally. "You can stay at our place as much as you want, Dally."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Hey," Dally said, brightening slightly, "Between your house and Tim's maybe I won't have to go home at all!"

"Exactly," Soda reassured. 

In order to provide some comedic irony, Dally said, "Even though those things are reassuring, I don't think the situation could get any worse."

Then, finishing off the ironic, yet highly predictable situation, Eric walked over and said, "Hey my homey g-dogs." 

"Soda," Dally said, "What d'you think would happen if we killed him. I mean, he's from the future so maybe he wouldn't even leave a body."

"I don't know Dal, it might not work out that way."

"Hmm, but do you think it's worth the risk?"

Before Soda could answer Erik said, "Stop talking about me like I'm not here!"

"No," said Dally, but then he couldn't think of anything else to say so he went inside and fell asleep. 

Soon after, Soda went in as well. 


	9. mike blackmails tim and dally rather mor...

The next morning Ponyboy woke up feeling vaguely ill. "Ohh…" he groaned, sitting up. 

"What's the matter?" asked Soda.

"Nothing," said Ponyboy then, to his surprise and mild horror, Dally crawled out from under a blanket on the bed on the other side of Soda.

"Are you sure?" asked Dally, "You look a little pale."

"Yeah, maybe you ought to stay home from school today," Soda suggested. 

"Umm…What's Dally doing in bed with us Soda?"

"He had to crash here tonight."

"Why didn't he just sleep on the couch like always?"

"I dunno. I have to go to work."

"Yeah," said Dally, "I have to meet Tim. We're going…never mind."

"Come on, where are you going?" asked Soda.

"I don't want to say."

"If you don't I'll tell everyone that he's your boyfriend."

Dally glared at Soda and Pony thought something about how if Dally glared at him like that he wouldn't insist on an answer but Soda said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" asked Dally, taking out his switchblade.

"Never mind. Jesus," said Soda, irritably, "You never tell me anything." Obviously he was still upset about the whole Seattle thing.

Dally quickly left and walked down the street until he met Tim standing near the Dingo. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," Tim replied, "Are you ready? Does anyone know where we're going?"

"Yes and no."

"Excellent."

They walked along the road until they reached a small petting zoo just outside of the city. "Here we are," Dally said, "Glory, I can't believe Mike is blackmailing us."

"Yeah, that whore."

"Yeah." 

Just then Mike appeared. 

"Did you bring the pictures?" asked Tim.

"Yeah," she said.

"Good, what do you want?" 

"I want your switchblade."

"That's it?" Tim was surprised but he quickly realized that he shouldn't let on that that wasn't very difficult to give up because she might get ideas so instead he said, "I mean…not my favorite switchblade!?"

Fortunately Mike wasn't the brightest crayon in the box and said, "Yeah, well tough! Next time you're in Seattle you'll just have to be more careful about who sees you."

"Damn it!" said Dally, "Tim, I'm never letting you talk me into going on vacation with you again."

"I don't care," said Tim, "It's not like it was a picnic for me either."

Dally noticed that Mike was still standing around near them. "You can go," he said icily.

She glared at him and sauntered off into the sunset, even though I'm pretty sure it was still morning but, you know, sunsets are so perfect for clichés to saunter into. 


	10. the mystery of seattle is revealed

After Mike left, Dally and Tim started walking back to Tim's place. As they were walking they heard footsteps running towards them. "Who's there?" Dally whirled around. Tim took out his switchblade. 

"Relax, it's just me."

"Soda? What're you doing here?" asked Dally.

"I followed you," seeing the angry look on Dally's face, he quickly continued, "I was just so curious about Seattle and I had to find out what was going on."

"Well, too bad, you're not gonna find out."

"Come on Dal, you gotta tell me!"

"No I don't."

"Yeah you do."

"N— aw Christ. Fine, I'll tell you. But it's only 'cause you're so annoying."

"Finally!"

"Dally," Tim exclaimed, "You can't tell him. We promised we'd never speak of it again!" 

"I know, I know but he's not going to stop bothering us until we tell him."

"Fine, but don't go into any details."

"Don't worry. Ok, Soda, this is what happened, we were in Seattle, right? So one night Tim said, 'Hey Dally, why don't we go down to that big carnival tonight?' and I said, 'What big carnival?' 

"Tim said, 'You know,' 

"I said, 'Oh, you mean that little church fair?' and he said, 'Yeah, that's the one.'

Just then Sodapop interrupted, saying, "Look, I'm curious and all but you don't gotta tell me every little detail of what you said."

"Right," said Dally, "So we went to the church fair and everything was going smoothly. You know, we heckled some girls and knocked over a few stands but then something terrible happened. A strange man ran over to us, holding a large stuffed purple hippopotamus doll. He handed the doll to Tim and handed me a huge lollypop then his friend ran over and took some pictures and I guess he gave 'em to Mike. But it's ok, we've got them back now."

"That's it?" cried Soda, "That's your story? That's what I've waited all this time to hear about? Oh man, I'm going home. This is just stupid. Just plain stupid." 

And, with that, Soda left. 

A moment after he was gone, Erik came running over. "Hi guys!" he yelled, "I just got in a fight with some socs. I kicked their asses!"

"Where're your bruises?" asked Tim.

"I didn't get any but you should've seen them."

"How many were there?" asked Dally.

"Six."

Dally laughed, "Yeah right, pansy. Nice try. What'd you do, blind them with your 'light of the future?' I don't think so, moron."

"Yeah…Well…see ya!" and Erik ran away.


	11. bonfire

Dally and Tim continued walking back to Tim's house. Tim began talking about some socs he had fought the other day and Dally's mind began to wander. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate a good fight, he just preferred actually doing the fighting rather than hearing about it, not to mention the fact that Tim wasn't exactly the king of story telling. 

Eventually they reached Tim's house and found Ponyboy sitting in a chair in the living room. "Hi guys," he said.

"Pony, what are you doing here?" asked Dally.

"I came to tell you that there's gonna be a bonfire at school Friday night."

"Why did you come to tell us that? It's not like we want to go to some lame high school bonfire."

"You have to go." 

"Why?"

"It will be a fun diversion from this moronic plot."

"I'm not convinced. I mean, school spirit isn't exactly my thing."

"There'll be socs…"

"Can we fight them?" Dally brightened.

"I suppose."

"Then I guess I'll go." 

And so it was decided, that Friday night found Dally, Ponyboy, Johnny, Soda, Steve and Two-Bit at the dance. "Well, this is a waste of time," said Dally, "And what's Soda doing here? Didn't he drop out? And how old are Steve and Two-Bit, are they still in school? And for that matter, how old am I?"

No one answered Dally's questions and there was a long pause in which no one said anything. Finally Cherry Valance walked over and said, "Hi guys, how's it going?"

Ponyboy said, "What about you not saying hi to me at school?"

"What?" she said, looking bewildered, "We're not at school."

"But this is a school sponsored event."

"Well I didn't say anything about school sponsored events."

"So, you don't care if your friends see you talking to a greaser?"

"No, not really."

"Then why won't you talk to me at school?"

Cherry seemed like she was about to answer but then she noticed her friends walking over and said, "Don't you ever talk to me like that again, you filthy greaser!" Then she and her friends walked away.

"That was weird," said Johnny.

"Yes. Yes it was," Pony agreed. 

Then they noticed Angela Shepard walking towards them. "Oh look," said Dally, "It's the whore."

"Hey!" she said, "You can't talk to me like that. I'm gonna tell my brother, Tim, and he'll make you sorry you were born!" 

"I doubt it. Why would he waste his time defending your nonexistent honor/"

"True," she agreed, "Hey, wanna meet my new friend?"

"Not really."

Ignoring Dally's answer, she shouted, "Hey Mike, come an' meet my brother's friends!"

Mike walked over and said, "Oh yeah, we're already acquainted."

"You guys are friends?" Soda asked.

"Well, I'm usually a loner," said Mike, "But Angela's tuff."

Johnny whispered to Pony, "Our enemies are joining together. This could turn out badly."

"Yeah," Pony replied, "But then, the socs are together too and they're way more dangerous and we've been able to handle 'em so far."

"I guess."


	12. more of the bonfire

A/N: The other day I was depressed to find a Mary Sue with the same first name as me…I'm sure you know why. 

So Angela and Mike walked off. As soon as they were gone Tim came walking over, looking around furtively. 

"They're gone?" he asked. 

"Yeah," said Dally, "Why're you hiding from your sister?"

"Oh, she keeps on asking me to beat people up for her, it's getting really boring, you know?" 

"I can't believe this. Is the famous, tough Tim tired of fighting? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Shut up. I'm not tired of fighting, I'm just sick of doing it every goddamn minute."

"Yeah, well, I guess Angela could take the fun out of any harmless activity."

"Yeah," said Ponyboy sarcastically, "Harmless activities like fighting!" then he became serious, "Oh when will you all see that all this fighting is bringing us nothing but pain and suffering?"

"Anyway…" said Dally, ignoring Pony's mini-sermon, "I see some socs, let's jump 'em."

And so they did. 

Later, after they had been kicked out of the bonfire Dally said, "Lets go to a movie."

"Movies have been invented?" Erik asked.

"How did you get here?" asked Sodapop.

"Well, you know," was Erik's only reply.

"Yes, movies have been invented," said Ponyboy irritably.

"Yeah, how did you not know that?" asked Dally, "You're such a moron." 

"I'm not a moron!" said Erik and then, in the same breath, "Does anyone have a cell phone I could use to call my mom?"

This might have been very funny if Erik weren't so annoying. Dally glared at Erik and said, "Why don't you get lost before I get really mad and break your legs?"

Erik didn't move at first but when Dally calmly stepped a little bit closer to him, he took off running. 

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short, if anyone can think of anything that could happen in the story let me know.


	13. 73 bullets

A/N: Much of the credit for this chapter should go to ModestVanity and Killslay, they gave me ideas for the plot. Muchos gracias, doomoarigato and so on…

That night Soda and Pony returned home to find Darry sitting in a chair looking rather angry, "I'm steamin' mad," he growled. 

"Why?" asked Soda.

"Because, you're seven hours late!" 

"Really, seven hours? Man, they say time flies when you're having fun but that wasn't fun at all and yet it went by so fast."

"I think the worst part was when Erik showed up," said Ponyboy.

"Shut up!" said Darry, "I'm not finished talking to you!"

"I don't want to talk to you right now," said Sodapop, "I'm going to bed." He left the room.

"Well, that leaves you and me, Ponyboy," Darry said menacingly.

"I don't want to talk either," said Ponyboy, hoping that that would work for him as well. 

Unfortunately, it didn't, "Not so fast kid, you've got to understand how angry it makes me when you're late."

At this point, Pony decided to add some drama to the situation, "You hate me don't you!" he yelled as he ran out of the house and down the street. As he ran he began to feel like the fight was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, for some reason. He began to feel like his whole world was crashing down around him and there would never be any way out of the horrible pain he called life. He felt like he was in a tunnel and it was sealed at one end so that when he tried to see the light, all he could see was a strange rubber stopper. He felt so depressed that he wanted hang himself from a tree, like Judas even though that's a terrible analogy. He wondered if he would even live to see his fifteenth birthday or if he would kill himself before then. 

His wallowing was suddenly interrupted when he saw a soc walking down the street. "Hey soc!" he yelled, feeling reckless, "Lookin' for a fight?"

"Yeah," called the soc as he pulled out a gun.

'Oh no!' thought Ponyboy, 'And I was so young!' 

Just then Mike came running out of nowhere and said, "Leave him alone soc!"

"No", said the soc.

"Come on, Ned," she said, "You don't wanna go to jail do you?"

"Stay out of this, Mike!" Ponyboy yelled.

"They won't send me to jail, I'm rich," he said just before he shot Pony seventy-three times. 

* * * 

Later that night the whole gang—which wasn't actually a gang—was standing around in the hospital, waiting for Pony to wake up.

"Oh God!" cried Darry, "I shouldn't have yelled at him – he's such a sensitive boy!"

"So let me get this straight…" Dally was very puzzled, "He was shot seventy-three times—with one gun—and yet he's still alive and not even in critical condition?"

"The doctor says he'll be fine," said Soda.

"That's just bizarre."

Just then Mike burst in, "I got here as fast as I could!" she said.

"What makes you think anyone wants you here?" asked Dally.

"I tried to save him," she sobbed, ignoring Dally's inquiry. 

Dally rolled his eyes (or should I say 'orbs') and said, "You should have jumped in front of the bullets."

Just then Darry said, "Ack!" and then began a fit of coughing. When he finished coughing, he said, "Pony you're awake! I'm so sorry I yelled at you!"

"'S ok," said Ponyboy.

This was followed by a twenty minute cry-and-hug-a-thon. 


	14. Tim's terrifyingly small bed

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update this, the web site wouldn't let me upload anything for a few days. Anyway, it's a pretty long chapter (for me) so it should help make up for the hole my absence left in your heart. 

When they got back from the hospital, Darry said, "Now, Pony, I don't want to see you move from that bed until the doctor says it's ok."

Dally seemed perplexed, "He was shot seventy-three times just this evening and the doctor let him go _home!_" 

"Well, we've got a good amount of bandages."

"Everyone is crazy," Dally muttered.

"What's that," asked a random llama.

"Or maybe I'm crazy," he amended.

"You're probably just drunk," said Tim.

"Why are you always here, Tim?" asked Soda.

"Who knows?" was Tim's snappy reply.

"Ooh, snappy," said Soda.

Dally began to feel very bored, 'Why am I here?' he thought, 'I seem to always be hanging around at the Curtis' house, as if I don't have a life of my own. The author probably only puts me here in order to have someone to comment on all the idiocy. God, this whole story—I was going to say plot but realized there wasn't one—is so contrived. I hate my life'

"What's that, Dally?" asked Two-Bit, who was also there for some reason.

"I didn't say anything."

"Oh yeah."

Dally went back to dwelling on his problems, 'Come on, there're even plot holes in the non-plot! Seriously, moronic author should get a medal for being able to create plot holes when there isn't even a plot. Oh man…I'm so hungry,' Dally looked around briefly (for no other reason than to fill space) and then said, "Hey, Darry, you got any food?"

"Yeah, look in the kitchen, dumbass."

"Jesus, I was just being polite."

"Don't fight, guys," said a very feeble sounding Ponyboy.

"How are you even awake? You were shot seventy-three times. Seventy-three times!" Dally exclaimed. Met by a blank, vaguely confused stare from Ponyboy, he walked off to the kitchen in a very exasperated fashion. 

When he reached the kitchen he began to make a sandwich. Then he ate the sandwich. Then he stared at the ceiling for five minutes. Finally, he decided to go home. He went out the back door and walked to his house or apartment. 

When he arrived, he walked through the door, because what else would he do? Seeing Dally, his father said, "Oh look, it's my good for nothing son! Finally decided to that you're not to good for your parents, eh?"

"Oh no, I'm still too good for you. I just felt like coming home for the night, the guys were being weird."

"Who's there?" asked his mother, walking into the room.

"It's our lazy, ungrateful son."

"At least he's not as lazy as his old man!" she yelled.

"Shaddap!" he yelled, throwing a lamp at her.

She deftly dodged the lamp, yelling, "You better work on your aim, Babe Ruth!"

"I'll show you aim!" he yelled and lunged at her. 

"Why you!" she screeched, scratching at his face.

"Whore!" he yelled.

"Drunk!" she replied.

"Drunken whore!"

Just then, for no apparent reason, the two drunks began a mad groping session. 

"This is disgusting," Dally muttered, turning around with the intention of getting some sleep in his room.

"I think it's sweet how much they love each other," said Kaitieralyn, stepping into the room.

"Gaaha!" Dally exclaimed, 'What are you doing here? Aren't you a soc?"

"Silly," she said, giving him a playful slap on the shoulder, "I'm your twin sister, remember. Teehee, I came to live with you."

"Why would you wanna live with these to drunks?" he asked, gesturing to their parents, still engaged in the previously mentioned "mad groping session."

"I think that, despite their flaws, they're a very loving couple. And I've been helping your mom decorate." Sure enough, there were little pots of flowers and pictures of kittens bedecking the filth. 

"They're not a loving couple," Dally affirmed. 

"Yes, they are. Look at them, no matter how much they fight, they still go back to each other." Now it was her turn to gesture to the indecent display of affection.

"No…no matter how much they fight, they still go back to each other because they realize that they're not good enough for any one else so if they ever want to have sex again they have to stay home."

She giggled annoyingly, "Oh Dally, you're so cynical."

"Sometimes it takes a cynic to tell the truth."

"That's very profound."

"No it isn't, you're crazy." Dally rolled his eyes and said, "I'm leaving. I wouldn't have come in the first place if I remembered that you were gonna be here." He left the house and wandered into the street. "Aw, Jesus, now where am I gonna sleep?" he wondered after about five minutes, then, "Stupid Kaitieralyn, taking over my house."

He continued walking until he bumped into a rather tall man, "Watch where you're going, sonny boy," said the tall man.

"Sonny boy?" asked Dally, horror in his voice.

"What?" asked the man, passing out.

'Well,' thought Dally, 'I _should_ help him…but…' he walked away without bothering to finish the thought. After walking for awhile longer he finally decided to go to the Dingo. Unfortunately, when he got there he remembered that it was about five o'clock in the morning and so the Dingo wasn't open. 

Just then a bizarre hobo stepped out of the shadows and said and a gravely voice, "I too came looking for the Dingo and found that it wasn't open at this hour."

"That's great…" said Dally.

"How's you like to join me in eating this can of beans while we wait for it to open," the hobo pointed to a can of beans that he had cooking over a small fire.

"Is it legal to have a campfire in the middle of a parking lot?" asked Dally. 

"We hobos have no care for the law," said the hobo.

"Well, neither do us greasers but that doesn't mean you go around doing stupid stuff like building campfires in parking lots. I mean, waiting for the Dingo to open isn't very important."

"You wouldn't say that if you really wanted a hamburger."

"What do you need a hamburger for," Dally asked sarcastically, "You've got that tasty can of beans."

The hobo glared for a moment but then his face softened and he said, "How'd you like me to tell you a tale…a strange tale?"

"That's ok, I've got to be going…I've got a piano recital in, like, an hour." 

"Ok, well, I hope we meet again someday…on the wide, open road."

"Uh, yeah great." Dally walked away, surprised that the hobo didn't catch on to his feeble lie. 

He walked until he ran into another person, 'This is getting stupid,' he thought, picking himself up off the ground, 'I've got to watch where I'm going.' 

"Hey klutz," said the person.

Dally finished standing up (man, that took a long time) and looked at the person, "Oh hey, Tim."

"What're you doing out here at five in the morning?"

"I know, it's so unusual," he said sarcastically, "I'm usually at home, tucked in bed like a good little boy at this time."

Tim rolled his eyes, "Hey you didn't happen to see a weird hobo did you?"

"Yeah…why?"

"Really! Where?"

"Over at the Dingo. He's waiting for it to open."

"Come on!" yelled Tim, grabbing Dally by the wrist and dragging him off in the direction of the dingo.

When they reached the Dingo Tim ran over to the mysterious hobo, yelling, "Granddad! It's me, Tim!"

"Tim? Is that you?" asked the hobo.

"Yes!" Tim said.

"When your dad took off I thought I'd never see you again," said the hobo, wiping a tear away from his eye.

"Well, I'm here and Curly and Angela are at home."

"Wow," the hobo seemed overjoyed, "Is Curly still a little hood?"

"Yeah."

"And is Angela still a whore?"

This made Dally laugh pretty hard.

"Yeah," Tim said, apparently unaffected by the insult to his sister.

"That's just great. Beans?" asked the hobo, holding up his can of beans.

"Umm, no thanks."

"Well, it's been really nice talking to you, Tim. I'll have to stop bye next time I'm in town."

"Ok, granddad. See ya.'" 

Dally and Tim walked away from the Dingo. "That's it?" asked Dally, "You haven't seen your grandpa in years and you just say hello and then leave?"

"Years? I just saw him last Christmas, we visit all the time."

Dally was incredible confused but decided to keep it to himself. "So…" he said, trying to make some innocuous conversation, "I went home tonight and found Kaitieralyn living with my parents."

"Oh man, how disturbing is _that_?"

"Exactly."

"No wonder you're out roaming the streets."

"Yeah."

"Well, why don't you come sleep at my house tonight?"

"Ok, thanks Tim."

They walked off to Tim's house. "Hmm…" said Tim, "Maybe I should've asked Granddad to stay here for the night."

Dally was rather glad he hadn't, as he didn't feel like spending the night in the same house as the weird hobo. "He probably wouldn't have wanted to. He was having a lot of fun waiting for the Dingo to open."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

They continued into the house, glancing around suspiciously for no apparent reason. When they got into the living room Angela stepped out from behind a large plant and said, "Hey there Dallas," in her sexiest voice, which actually came out sounding kind of whorish. 

"Umm. Hi Angela," Dally said, looking distinctly uncomfortable. 

She grinned vapidly and then rather unconvincingly tripped forward onto Dally, expecting him to catch her.

Unfortunately for her, he had recovered from his earlier shock and had the presence of mind to take a step back when she tripped forward so that she landed unceremoniously on the floor. "Oh, sorry," he said in a distinctly unapologetic voice. 

She shrieked and ran from the room. 

"Nice job," said Tim, "You've got to set things straight right away with her, otherwise she'll never let you alone. I've seen it happen before," he shuddered, "Too many times, to too many good guys." He sank down onto the sofa, sobbing.

Dally sat down, awkwardly putting his arm around the sobbing greaser. "Aw, come on, Tim. Don't cry."

"It's just…there have been so many guys with their whole lives ahead of them and then they meet Angela and she crushes their spirit. I couldn't bare to see it happen to you too."

"Don't worry, it won't."

"How can you make that promise? You have no way of knowing!" 

"I can only promise that I'll do the best I can to protect myself from her wily charms."

"Ok," Tim sniffed, drying his eyes on his sleeve. 

"Well, I'm going to bed," said Dally hoping to avoid any more absurd displays of emotion from the normally tough gang leader.

"Ok. Hey, will you sleep in my bed tonight? I don't want to be alone."

This suggestion made Dally feel vaguely nauseated but he didn't feel like sleeping outdoors so he said, "Ah…sure, Tim."

"Great," said Tim.

When they reached Tim's room Tim said, "After you," gesturing toward the bed.

Dally swallowed nervously and got into the terrifyingly small bed. He slid to the very edge of the other side of the bed in hopes that he wouldn't have to do any "cuddling."

Sadly, Tim would have none of it. He got into bed and immediately put his arm around a horrified Dally. He pulled the blonde greaser closer to him so that they were touching…quite a bit. 

'Oh God,' thought Dally, 'This is a _nightmare_, I should have stayed with Kaitieralyn…wait…what am I saying? Could staying at home with two drunks and a bizarrely sweet soc who throws my whole existence into question by claiming to be related to me _really _be worse than spending the night cuddling (shudder) with Tim? I just don't know anymore, I just don't know.' And with that, to his immense revulsion, he began to cry. 

"There, there," said Tim, tightening his grasp on Dally, "It's ok to cry…let it all out."

This made Dally sob even more. 

"Oh, it's ok," Tim reassured, pulling Dally into a hug so that they were facing each other. 

Dally began to feel like he might start hyperventilating. 'I've got to control myself,' he thought, 'If I don't, Tim will probably start _rocking _me gently or something else that's equally terrifying.' Fortunately, Dally was generally very good at controlling his emotions and so, after a brief struggle he managed to calm down, saying, "It's ok, Tim, I'm better now. Let's just get some sleep."

"Ok, but if you start feeling bad, just give a whistle."

Dally tried not to picture the absurdity that suggestion brought to mind and instead concentrated on going to sleep. Soon, he had achieved his goal and was completely unaware of Tim's arms around him.

That is, until he woke up. 

"Wha…?" he said, waking up to find Tim's arm around him. 

Then he remembered the previous night. 

"I wish I were dead," he muttered.

"What's that?" asked Tim, just waking up.

"Oh…I just said…what a great bed…yes…that's it."

"Ok," said Tim.

'Wow,' Dally thought, '_Everyone_ is convinced by my stupid lies lately.'

"I'll just make us some breakfast," Tim said, climbing – or rather – struggling out of the tiny bed. 

After Tim left Dally began to feel close to panicking once again. "Get a grip," he told himself, then, "Stop talking to yourself, it makes you seem _crazy_."

Just then Tim walked in, "I have brrrreaakfast," he said, sounding suspiciously like someone's mother. 

"Great," Dally smiled weakly. He looked down at the unappealing breakfast and sighed. It consisted of a piece of rather horrible, cold bacon that looked like it had been sitting out for quite a few days and one slice of warm, limp orange. Thinking quickly, he said, "Oh! I just remembered, I promised my grandma I'd eat breakfast with her this morning. I'm meeting her at the retirement home."

"You have a grandma?" 

"Yes."

"Ok, have fun."

Dally left the house faster than a person in the desert would if they were from the future and they arrived in 1846 and saw a person who invited them to join their wagon train dealie but introduced themselves as George Donner. 


	15. Pony's walk

A/N: Thanks to Killslay for the plot idea in this chapter…of doom!!!

When Ponyboy's numerous gunshot wounds finally healed he decided to go for a walk by himself in the middle of the night. 

"Pony, you better not be planning on going out this late at night, by yourself…or have you forgotten your recent injuries?" said Darry, sitting in a chair by the window. 

"I haven't – but I really want to go for a walk."

"Well," Darry said, acting like a moron, "I suppose you can, but be careful."

"Gee, thanks," said Pony, then he thought, 'Gee? What the hell?' Choosing not to dwell, he left the house and began his walk. While he was walking he took the time to stare at some trees and birds, even though most of the birds were asleep so the only ones he could really look at were the night birds and they're kind of creepy. Soon he was in a rather jumpy mood, what with all the birds and he began to wonder if going for a walk was such a good idea after all. 'Man,' he thought, 'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, I mean, last time I went for a walk alone I was shot seventy-three times. And the socs do drive around looking for fights every night…' just then he looked up and saw a soc car driving by. "Aww, crud," he muttered. Then he became very nervous.

"Hey grease!" yelled one of the socs. 

Ponyboy ignored him. 

"Let's pull over," said another soc (it was Ned). 

"Why?" asked another soc.

"Because," Ned reasoned, "We went out looking for girls and we haven't found any."

None of the other socs bothered to ask him where the logic in that was and they all got out of the car.

Ponyboy chose this moment (despite the earlier abundance of moments) to run away. 

Even though Pony was probably the fastest runner in his school, the socs managed to catch up with him easily (for some reason). Two of the socs held him while Ned began to hit him. Then Ned began to take off his pants. 

At this point, one of the socs, a sensitive boy by the name of Charlie, said, "Ned, I don't know if we should be doing this; he's a boy."

"So? They're all the same, really."

"Except for the fact that there are huge anatomical differences between boys and girls, especially in the area that you're planning on using," said Charlie.

"Shut up!" said Ned, as he raped Ponyboy. 

"Well I won't be a part of it," said Charlie, running away.

Soon the socs took off in their really nice car, leaving Ponyboy bleeding in the grass, or on the pavement – whichever sounds more dramatic. By then it was morning (just play along) and Dally happened to be running by, escaping from Tim's house.

"Hey Pony, looks like you were raped," he said without showing any emotions, even though we can all see that he's crying beneath his cool exterior. 

"Yeah," said Pony, bursting into tears. Then, through his tears, he said, "I'm sorry Dal, you wouldn't be crying and here I am, acting like a little school girl."

"Aww, Ponyboy, don't say that. I freak out when people _touch _me! Just think how I would react in this situation."

"That's true," Pony sniffed. 

"Yeah," sighed Dally, "Now, let's get you home so that your brothers can deal with you. I've had enough crying for one day."

"Ok," said Ponyboy, then he said, "Wait! You can't tell _anyone_ about this."

"Why not?"

"I'm embarrassed."

"Fine."

"Great, it'll be our little secret, ok?"

Dally raised an eyebrow, "Just don't expect us to 'grow closer' or anything."

"Oh…I won't…" Pony said slyly. 

Dally could here the slyness in Ponyboy's voice but he decided just to deal with that when it became important. He had too many things to worry about now, what with Tim being all sobby. 

They walked to Pony's house and were met at the door by Soda and Darry. "Pony, what happened?" asked Darry.

"Nothing," said Ponyboy.

"What do you mean, nothing? You're covered in blood."

"Oh that?" Ponyboy chuckled, "I just got into a little fight…heh heh."

"Ok…" said Darry, "Well, go to bed."

"Ok," said Pony, walking to his room. 

That night Soda awoke to the sound of Pony screaming (presumably reliving the incident). "Pony, wake up! You're having a nightmare."

"Wha…?" asked Ponyboy, crying.

"There, there," said Soda, hugging his younger brother. 

"I'm sorry to wake you," said Pony. 

"Don't apologize," Soda said, hugging him tighter.

"Sorry," said Ponyboy, then, realizing he had just apologized, "Oh, sorry." Finally he just stopped talking. Then he went to sleep and so did Soda. 


	16. Mike threatens Dally, but fails to make ...

The next morning Ponyboy awoke to find himself wrapped in someone's arms. "Dally?" he said. Then he realized that he was actually enveloped in the arms of the brother, Sodapop. 'Oh God,' he thought wildly, 'What if I've revealed my secret crush on Dally to Soda by imagining that I was wrapped in his thin, yet strong; girlish, yet masculine arms? That would be terrible. Glory…' he started humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic" as he thought. After a lot of humming, he finally realized that Soda was asleep. This made him cheer up considerably and he decided to get up and make breakfast. 

Meanwhile, off wherever Dally resides, Dally was making some toast and coffee. Just then Tim walked into the kitchen through the back screen door. "Hiya, Dally!" he said cheerfully.

"Hiya?" asked Dally, shaking his head miserably. 

"What're you making?" asked the…other person.

"What does it look like?" asked Dally.

"Toast," said Tim.

"You're a genius, you know that? A real genius," Dally replied. 

Just then Tim burst into tears, "Oh Dally," he cried, "I'm so depressed!"

"Yes, I can see that," Dally stated. "You're crying all over my toast."

"Sorry," Tim sobbed, wiping his eyes on the tail of Dally's shirt. "It's just that…my parents told me that I'm a good for nothin' greaser and it made me really sad."

"But Tim," Dally said reasonably, "you _are_ a good for nothin' greaser."

Tim started crying even harder. "Don't you think I could make something with my life?"

"…I suppose. But, you know, you're not _just_ a greaser. You're also a really tough," he thought the better of calling the weeping person in his kitchen tough, "that is to say, you're a gang leader." 

"That means a lot to me Dal."

"Great…" Dally glanced around uncomfortably and then removed his tear soaked shirt. 

"Oh God," Tim muttered, staring at Dally's unclothed torso through his wet eyelashes. 

"What?" asked Dally. And then he realized that Tim was staring at _him._ He had no time to react before the gang leader kissed him passionately on the mouth. He pushed frantically against Tim, unable to free himself, and soon he was pinned to the sofa in the next room. Desperate to get away, he gave one final push. Surprisingly enough, it proved to be enough to allow him to dash away from Tim and out of the house. 

He ran as fast as he could, not really caring where he went. Soon, however, he found himself at the Curtis' house. He couldn't decide how he felt about that, since it'd be easy for Tim to find him there. He decided not to think about it too much and dashed inside. Once inside, he found Ponyboy sitting on the sofa, being hugged by Sodapop. "What's going on here?" he asked, feeling incredibly depressed.

"Pony had a nightmare," said Soda.

"I see," Dally replied. "Well, can I hang out here for a little while? My…uh…dad is in a really bad mood."

"Yeah, sure, have a seat," said the amazingly attractive greaser.

"Thanks," said Dally, sitting down. The three of them sat around in the living room for awhile without talking and soon Dally became desperate for something to say, "So, Ponyboy," he began, "How are you feeling?" 

Pony boy's eyes twitched uncomfortably and he said with some edge in his voice, "Great, Dal, just great."

"Fantastic," said Dally. Then he fell asleep.

"Hey would ya look at that," said Soda. "Dally's asleep."

"So he is," said Ponyboy, wondering why that fact intrigued his older brother so much. Then he said, "Darry's gonna be home soon. We'd better hide him."

"Why do we need to hide him from Darry?" Soda asked.

"We just do!" said Ponyboy.

Soda just crossed his arms and stared at Ponyboy.

In approximately that moment, Mike came running into the room. "Oh, Dally!" she said, despite her insistence on being a tomboy, "I've missed you so much!" She then proceeded to sit on his lap and kiss him ferociously.

Soon, Dally awoke and was considerably disappointed to find the girl on his lap. "Can't _anyone_ keep their hands off me today?" he said. 

"Wha…who else has had their hands on you?" Mike demanded angrily.

"No one," Dally said, sounding incredibly guilty.

"I know you're lying," she said, pulling out a switchblade and brandishing it near his throat.

"Put that away," he said calmly. "Don't be a moron."

She pressed the tip of the knife against the soft hollow under his chin, "I'm going to ask you one more time, Dallas, who've you been with besides me?"

He grinned, "Practically _everyone_."

"Damn it!" she cried, slashing at his face with the knife.

"What's the matter?" he asked, clutching his bleeding temple. "I thought you were gonna cut my throat. I guess you just don't have the strength to back up your threats." The he turned to Pony and Soda, who had been staring at each other angrily throughout the entire unpleasant episode, "Would you mind getting her off me."

They quickly dispatched the irritating person and went about their normal routine. 


	17. dally finds salvation

Unfortunately, their normal routine involved a great deal of sausage manufactory. "Come on Dally!" Sodapop exclaimed happily. "Help us make some sausages!" "Sweet Mother of God," Dally muttered. "Why the hell would I want to do that?" "It's really fun," Pony reassured him. "We do it all the time!" "No you don't!" Dally cried, near panic. The entire situation he was involved in was becoming too much for him. His random twin sister could be handled, as they barely had to see each other, but Mike had certainly become a ridiculous burden and he wasn't exactly sure why he hadn't killed Tim yet. Thus, the new sausage-making dilemma was just a bit more absurdity than he could handle at that moment. Pulling a blanket over his head, he rolled onto the floor and tried to sleep. After five restless minutes, he realized that trying to sleep was a pointless waste of time and that if he didn't think of anything else soon, suicide would top his list of viable options. "Why!" he thought sadly, "why can't I think of anything to help assuage my panicky sense of self doubt?" Just then, however, a remarkable thought came to him. "If only," he mused, "there were a magical beverage that could lull you into a false sense of happiness and then make you pass out." Realizing he was on to something he thought quickly, shifting his eyes back and forth rapidly. "Stop shifting your eyes, dumbass!" yelled Soda. "That's it!" Dally shrieked, coming to a conclusion. "Alcohol!" And with that, he dashed from the house and set off to make his dreams come true.  
  
A special message from the folks who brought you root beer (AKA Princey): Man that was short. I'm not as interested as I used to be. I thought I was so, I started to write, but I wasn't, so I stopped. I'm submitting it anyway because it's kind of a dénouement and "y'all" deserve that. Think of this half page of useless nonsense as my gift to you. 


End file.
